the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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