dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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