I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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