i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
