I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
