in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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