Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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