we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is Oprah even human
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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