Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
