He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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