I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
