Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
