She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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