I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I checked into jail on foursquare
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
