Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize