the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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