peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize