if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
