just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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