last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
