How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
