I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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