last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
