thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
