True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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