I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
