Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
