The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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