Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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