i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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