FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
