Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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