dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
