Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
