I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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