i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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