I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
