You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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