Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
