I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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