in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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