I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Shame - the story of my life.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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