i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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