if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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