Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
