I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
