I wish my penis had an off switch
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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