Me. At least after what I've been through.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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