He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
