We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
