a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
