I showed him my bush... on skype.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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