i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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