At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
