Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
