Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize