Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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