Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
