I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
