he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
