Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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