Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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